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Radical Aloneness

Radical Aloneness – Why You Can Embrace Being Alone This Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2019 |


Recently, I’ve had a lot of thinking about ‘aloneness’.  I always felt alone, growing up as an only child, and so this is a story I’ve carried into my adulthood, resisting it as much as I could.  As I wake on Valentine’s Day, this year, I am in Cambodia, far away from the life I’ve led for the last 10 years as I’ve left my home (all by myself) to travel independently and experience the world.  So, what do I feel today, as I sit around the pool, writing, in the sunshine?  What can I learn?  What is there to be seen?

Quite a lot, as it happens, and if you read on for the next few minutes, I will explain how I came to play with radical aloneness to discover true connection to myself.  Firstly though, I’ll explain a little more about how our thinking plays a part in our feelings!  Just because I am alone in my human form, doesn’t really mean anything unless I attach meaning to it myself….


Aloneness Through Our Thinking

You see, I noticed (and wrote about this on Instagram) the other day that, moment to moment, our thinking about being ‘alone’ can vary so much.  At times, I can sink back into my years of conditioning to think that my feeling alone comes from the fact that I am literally, physically, on my own.  In that thinking, I can sink into feelings of sadness.  However, at other times, I can really long to be on my own – and in those moments, I realise that I enjoy my space!  When I’m feeling ‘independent’ thinking, being alone seems wonderful!  The truth is, the only meaning there is to ‘being alone’ is that which we create in each moment.  You see, for the most part, I love being alone!  I just think that I shouldn’t love being alone – because that’s weird, right?!

It’s actually not!  We are just conditioned to think that we should be attached a lot of the time.  Being alone is some of the best space I’ve ever had to learn more about myself.  And, now, I think less and less about when I’m holding my own space because I see that it is where I feel most at home.  I’m beginning to feel more at home than ever when I’m just with myself.  Because when we are with ourselves, we learn that we can hold whatever comes, knowing that our experience of life is created by our thinking, and we are still ok.  So, as I sit here with the most beautiful view in Cambodia, and as I remember this as I write about it, I feel that incredible space of peace and freedom that exists within me.


Our True Connected Nature

And so, this reminds me to explain why I can find this freedom.  What I awakened to along my journey to reconnect to my own truth is that underneath all of our thinking, is the simple truth that we are already connected.

When we think about nature, or divinity, or the universe – whatever resonates – we can always see one thing that there is in common: that there is some higher power working away that we just cannot explain.  We can’t put words to it, and we don’t know how it works.  What we do know, though, is that it has a miraculous way of having created life, and that it lives us, without us having to do anything.  It is the one thing that explains why we are all here in the first place!  What I notice about nature, or the universe, though, is that it is a constant reminder that we are all connected.


“You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop.”  ~ Rumi


As Rumi said, “you are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop.”  We are part of nature, we are part of the universe; and, in this way, I see that we can never be disconnected.  You already are love!  So, when you feel alone, remember this truth: we are one.  Namaste.



Integrating Radical Aloneness

So, you say, that’s all very well, but I don’t feel it.  Know this: it’s OK!  So often, my sharing can be misinterpreted to be read as ‘let’s change our thoughts’, but that’s really not the aim here.  There is absolutely nothing to do to feel more comfortable with being alone.


What is required, is radical self-acceptance.  Radical self-love.  Radical allowing.  Radical aloneness.


You see, we can’t change our thoughts, and there is only a problem when we begin to believe that we can.  We don’t need to change anything.  The only time it feels like there’s a problem, in fact, is when we resist what already is.

It is in our aloneness that we learn the most.  It is in that spaciousness of sitting with our feelings, knowing that they come from our thinking and cannot harm us, that we connect to ourselves.  In doing this, there is no need for anything external.  In doing this, we realise the only person we need to connect to is us!  And we do this by embracing what exists within our bodies, our minds and our souls – right now, in each moment, as it varies and moves on through.

Knowing that our feelings come from our thinking can help us to do this.  Sitting in our space, simply noticing our thought-creations, knowing that they are illusion, feeling whatever feelings we are in – in this moment – allowing, embracing and saying ‘I see you, I love you’; that’s where the magic is.

That’s really all we need to do.  When we embrace our aloneness as learning, so often, we allow it; and in the dropping away of resistance, we return home to that space of knowing within us that is absolutely ok.  In truly BEING alone, we can return to our deep down wisdom.

Sydney Banks says “if only we learned not to be afraid of our human experience, that alone would change the world.”  I love this because it shows that we can be with whatever is.  There is nothing to fear (because fear is also a creation of thought).  There only is what is, right now – and it can’t touch us, it can only teach us.

And that, my loves, is why this Valentine’s Day, I am sitting by the pool in Cambodia, resting in the space of what is.  Today that space of ‘what is,’ is actually filled with a beautiful feeling of expansion.  Once upon a time, I would have attributed that to being in Cambodia, or to being with someone else, or to my life looking good to the outside world; now I know that none of that is true.  The expansion comes from within me; and I can find it all by myself!  And you can too.

Sending love from my heart connection to yours,





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Nicole Barton

Life Mentor, Nicole Barton, is something of a unicorn within the self-help industry for her candid notion that nobody needs self-help. She is a breath of fresh air in her admission that while anything that leads us into soul-led expression is useful to shift us from our heads and into our hearts, none of these practices are prerequisites to peace, as long as people reconnect to the simple truth of who they are. Nicole supports people in finding freedom from suffering through workshops, global retreats and one-to-ones, and is working on her first book. Visit her at and

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