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How to Find Your Way Back Home When You Don’t Know Where To Look

July 27, 2018 |


“While the mind sees only boundaries, love knows the secret way there.” ~ Rumi


Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a bit ‘out of sorts’.  There were a few ‘external’ seeming reasons for this – I finished a course, and then went travelling around England, before returning to a heap of work, giving myself no real space to just ‘be’; to settle.  It really felt like all of these things contributed to what felt as just ‘odd’, and all I wanted to do was find my way back to that feeling of peace that I have known so well at times!


Feeling Lost

Part of the challenge, it seemed, was that I had high expectations of what I ‘should’ be doing, and so I felt restless, like I wasn’t really achieving what I was meant to, and then I started to listen to other people’s ideas about what I should be doing, too.  It seemed I was trying to fit myself into a box of boundaries (like Rumi says, above).  I’ve finished learning, so I ‘should’ be working hard, right?!  Not only that, but because there was so much change going on, and little grounding, it felt like I actually forgot who I was.  I began to live in the illusion that I had ‘lost my power,’ I would say ‘yes’ to most things, and it really felt that I wasn’t ‘enough’ as I was.  In that moment, I forgot who I truly was; I forgot to love myself.


Finding Myself In the Basement

So, I’ve bumbled along like this for the last month, riding up and down in an elevator of moods, and perhaps spending a lot more time in the basement than I’d have liked.  It’s dark down there, and it feels messy, boring, uncomfortable, frustrating and, at times, depressing!  But, this week, I found myself back up nearer the top, seeing the clarity!  I know, now, that it will completely shift, and that there’s learning in the messiness.


How Did I Find My Way Back?

Well, I know it seems preferable to have a logical, step-by-step process as an answer, but life doesn’t really fit inside a little box.  That was part of the problem: I almost wanted it to, and I think that’s also a message that is reinforced in our human society!  It would be so easy if we could fit everything into a prescription of ‘control;‘ but it would also take away some of the fun of having absolutely no idea what is in store. At the time, I would have given anything for someone to tell me how to work my way out of it; but the reality is, it will pass all by itself.

What’s interesting is that I suddenly started to feel I had no boundaries.   I was saying ‘yes’ to everything, crowing all of my space with projects and movement, and actually doing some things that I didn’t really love to do.  I was beginning to look externally, to others, or to fix situations, for answers, feeling I needed support or agreement from other people.  Someone told me I ‘needed boundaries’ and I began to worry that I needed to be stronger!


Thinking about Boundaries: Remembering My Own Voice

Then I remembered to listen to myself.  Whilst we feel a certain temptation at times to love rules – there’s a certain comfort in stability – I am a bit of a maverick; I love freedom, I love expansiveness, I love creativity.  In fact, I don’t believe there are any boundaries other than those created our own thoughts.  So, actually, I remembered that my ‘lack of boundaries’ is actually not a bad thing at all – whilst I might seem overly laid back, or too open, to some, to me, it’s the beauty of my ability to be creative!  For a second, all that happened was that I had dropped into ‘Boundary World’ – just until I realised that such a place didn’t even exist – and that I don’t really want to live in a ‘boundaried’ world at all.

I realised, it is not actually ‘bad’ to be ‘boundary-less’ (and that ‘good’ and ‘bad’ don’t really exist as they are also labels and boxes!) but, instead it is amazingly freeing!  In a world with no boundaries (which is actually all there is outside of our minds), there is infinite possibility, and we don’t need any expectations, other than to live in the moment and create from there.  In the moment I heard this wisdom kicking in, I also remembered that we just need to love ourselves enough to HEAR our own wisdom, and stop listening to the external and dive within, into our own beauty.

In remembering that, is how we return home – just with that little bit of insight.  The only person you need to hear is yourself.  In self-love, of who we really are, and remembering that we are enough, is where the answer is truly found.  It is all within.


We Are Already Home

You see, actually, even when you don’t know where to look to find a way back to a ‘settled’ feeling space, life will take you back there, even if you don’t think it will!  In fact, that space is all there ever is.  The label of being unsettled is only the same as the label of needing boundaries.  When it seems like something is permanent, it isn’t – it’s an illusion!  There is infinite and unlimited abundance and space.  Everything we feel comes directly from our thinking.  If we are experiencing low mood thoughts, then we will experience low mood feelings.  If we are experiencing lost thinking, then we will feel lost.  If we experience thinking that there is a box, we will feel that there is a box. That’s all it is.  There is no box, there is no lost.  There is only perfect wholeness; and, when we are at the top of the elevator, this is what we see – the clarity and the truth.  There is nothing to do, but wait until we reach the top again, to self-enquire into the nature of our thinking, and to allow ourselves to beautifully unfold.

Listen to yourself, love yourself, and the answers will arrive.

With love and gentle reminders,




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Nicole Barton

Life Mentor, Nicole Barton, is something of a unicorn within the self-help industry for her candid notion that nobody needs self-help. She is a breath of fresh air in her admission that while anything that leads us into soul-led expression is useful to shift us from our heads and into our hearts, none of these practices are prerequisites to peace, as long as people reconnect to the simple truth of who they are. Nicole supports people in finding freedom from suffering through workshops, global retreats and one-to-ones, and is working on her first book. Visit her at and


  1. Mandy Spray on July 28, 2018 at 8:51 am

    Fab post Nicole
    Love your descriptions of boundaries – love ‘em, hate ‘em, want ‘em, don’t want em’!

    • Nicole Barton on July 28, 2018 at 9:22 am

      Teehee. Absolutely! The ever flowing flux of thought about boundaries that only exist in my head!

  2. Leila on August 14, 2018 at 2:21 pm

    Hi Nicole,
    This sounds really nice. But in reality it’s really hard to achieve. I have been trying for years so hard to let this feeling pass it doesn’t. So I’ve been working on having a healthier thinking patterns, it works..kind of but it’s like drugs it takes you high and the min you do a reality check it hits you and send you to rock bottom. Of course I dont want to feel that way so I try to help myself and just be and let be…it does it have to pass. I feel that I want to go “home” all the time to be peaceful to feel in peace with myself but after all the waiting all the trials it’s not happening. To keep a balance between (bad) reality and thinking good thoughts isnt easy it makes you deal with lots of contradictions and thats even more confusing and takes you even further from who you are because lots of pain and disappointment involved it will make u question everything. I’m not thinking in a box believe me! ..just sharing what I’m going thru maybe it will make you come up with more ways to help 🙂

    • Nicole Barton on August 14, 2018 at 4:55 pm

      Hi Leila

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I’m really pleased to hear you sharing your thoughts, and that’s amazingly brave of you! I appreciate your open honesty. I’m so interested to find out what you heard from my article. I most certainly didn’t mean to make it sound flippant as if it was easy and not messy! Do you mind if I share how I see it differently, in case it helps clarify what I meant?

      For me it’s not about ‘forcing’ healthier thinking patterns, so much as seeing that we do ‘think’ and noticing our thoughts for what they are. The thing is, we are already ‘home’, but we just don’t always feel like it because of our thinking. That’s not to say we should force feeling peaceful feelings because that’s impossible, but we can see that the non-peaceful feelings come from non-peaceful thinking. And sometimes that just helps us go just see that.

      And so, when we can see that (and it can feel difficult to see at times) we eventually see that the truthful reality is in the peace, but in our thought storms everything can feel so uncomfortable. And it does eventually pass, else we would be stuck in the ‘bad’ feelings all the time (which I’m sure you’ll see isn’t the case 100% of the time – I don’t know about you but at times I can see the same thing as both ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in different moments – and that’s because the labels ‘good’ and ‘bad’ only exist in our minds!). It is confusing at times, if can feel messy, but that’s OK. It will pass and then we will remember that we are always OK (it’s our innate nature to be OK), even in our messy feelings. In those times we can just be gentle with ourselves.

      If nothing else, I know that when we hit any kind of resistance to ideas, it’s great to keep curious, because it often means you’re hearing something on a deeper level.

      I don’t know if that helps, but I’m always happy to talk more if you want to. Email me and we can chat more.

      Sending you lots of love

      Nicole x

  3. Andaluz4u on October 14, 2018 at 5:23 pm

    They say home is where your heart is, but when your heart is fragmented, there is no home to go. I have felt this way when my parents died. Half of my heart went out with them. My only sister only loved me when I sent her money. My family wanted money and wasn’t ever around when I wanted a bit of love. I stopped sending money. They all are professionals with a career, they can work as hard as I did to reach my dreams. I worked 2 jobs to pay for my career and get my PhD in social services. What I have is a roof on my head, food to eat and essentials to live comfortably. But of course I wanted a family who loved me for who I am. And if I travelled to see them, even when they are well off, they would expect me to bring gifts and pay for all their expenses. I can find my heart in a hotel room, because my heart has no place in their homes. Sad.

    • Nicole Barton on October 14, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      Hello beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you experienced and feel so much sadness. If it helps, I actually hear so much resilience in that message. What is so synchronistic today is that I sat in a hotel room feeling the same way just earlier, like I had no home, and I relate to your message so much because of it. I think that is a nice reminder that we are all the same, we are all connected and therefore never alone. What was also interesting, though, in the space, was that I realised, in my reflection, that home was always inside of me – as it is in you. I suddenly felt this peace when I realised that I was home for myself. I don’t always feel it, but I get glimpses of this truth and it sounds to me that you see it too in moments when you see underneath your thinking about it all. I wonder if that helps at all? Anyway, thank you for sharing. Infinite love, Nicole x

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